A Great New Experience

I had a great time tonight.  I met with a fellow blogger, Jeanette, from Heartslinked.  It turns out we live about an hour away from each other and she was nice enough to come to my neck of the woods for our first f2f visit.  I've never met another real and in person first mom before.  I was a little nervous, wondering if we would have enough to talk about, enough in common to not make our visit awkward.  Six hours later we were still going strong!  We talked about EVERYTHING!

This was the first time I've ever talked about my son with someone who absolutely, unequivocally, got it.  No shame or explanations necessary.   It was so freeing, not only to talk about how I felt, but to listen to what she had to say and completely get where she was coming from.  We talked about our individual adoption experiences, the politics of adoption, family, our kids, husbands, diets, allergies, work, and how they all linked back to adoption.  It seems most things in our lives lead back to adoption, but for the first time for me, that was okay, it actually made sense.

The only loss we felt tonight was the absence of other fellow bloggers that we respect and hope to meet live and in person someday soon.  What a great experience it will be to talk (and not type) to a group of women I've come to respect so much.  I'm crossing my fingers that I'll make it to Chicago.  If not, anyone interested in a Napa Valley Wine Tour?

His Message

Tuesday night, around midnight, I start my usual routine of getting into bed, firing up my computer, playing a stupid, mindless game on Facebook before I read a little and go to sleep.  I fire up Facebook and notice  I have a message waiting for me.  Not thinking much of it, I click on it and see my sons picture there.  For a split second, I think, "Why did I go directly to my sent messages?  That's odd."  And then I see it.  "Hi Laurie"  HOOLLEEE SHHIIZZLLESS!  Okay, that's not a direct quote, but you get the idea!  I start screaming out for my husband, who is in the other room and go running in just screaming my son's name, grab his hand, drag him into the bedroom and show him the computer.

I really want to share his whole message to me because it is so beautiful and wonderful, but I'll just share the highlights.  He started out by apologizing for taking so long to respond to "the beautiful letter" I had sent last year.  He was waiting to write a letter so that he could "devote the same amount of love, attention, emotion and time that you put in your letter."  He explained that he got engaged, married and finished his MBA in 2011 and time just got away from him.  He also explained that he never checks his Facebook, which is where I've been sending messages after my initial letter, and accidentally came across my messages as he was upgrading the app on his phone.  He saw the blog I made for him and loved it!  He told me he wants to send me a very long letter telling me all the details of his "adventurous life", but in the meantime, he wanted me to know that he had a great and happy life.  He told me that he had always had me in his thoughts and prayers and that he respected the decision I had made 32 years ago and also understood how difficult it must've been for me.  He thanked me again for the letter and the blog and said "Talk to you soon!!!"  Yes, that's right folks, he used three, count them, three exclamation points after that!  Amazing!  My favorite part of the letter was this:  "P.S.  Please tell E_____ I said hello."  Yes, he sent a little, personal hello to my daughter, his sister.

I'm still in the middle of trying to process what this all means.  I have asked my husband to make sure that I don't get myself all worked up into a tizzy of possibilities.  I'm trying to take this as it comes and not try to project too far into the future.  I'm hoping it will help me slow down and enjoy/savor every moment of this, at the same time reducing the amount of expectations I might inadvertently put on our relationship.  That being said, a girl has to dream a little bit.  I'm going to Chicago in August.  He lives in Chicago.  Just sayin'.

Now, back to reality.  I'm waiting for his letter, which will arrive when it arrives.  I feel a great sense of calm about this.  I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of me.  I told my husband that it will be interesting to see what it is like to live without the burden of the loss of him in my life on a daily basis.  I've never lived an adult moment of my life without it.  I'm optimistic right now.  I felt love in his message and he felt and acknowledged my love in the letter I sent and the blog I created.  If that's all I end up getting, that is more than I ever hoped for.

I Heard From him!!!!

I can't believe it!!  I heard from him and it was GREAT!!!!  I'll explain more later as it is very late here, but I'm thrilled, beyond belief.

So, I think I'm done

Well, it looks like I might have come to the end of my road here.  I posted the blog for my son.  I must admit, it's pretty cool.  Letters from me, pictures of me, my parents, my brothers, my daughters, my niece and nephews.  Quirky things about our family, like we are hairless Italians, we have odd shaped knees, we are a family of lots and lots of boys, etc.  I don't know if I said the right things or enough things.  I tried to heed all the wisdom and advice I've learned from this blogging community over the past year.  Did my best, but probably made some mistakes.  I sent him a message on Facebook with the blog address and...nothing. He hasn't even checked it.   I'm sending him a card this weekend, just in case he hasn't gotten the messages on Facebook and then I have to let this go.  I just can't live my life like this.

 I can't keep writing about the same nothingness over and over again.  I'm stuck in a perpetual pity party and that is so NOT who I am.  This doesn't mean that I'm closing the door on him, I'd never do that.  It just means it's time for this to go back on that shelf it was on for a little over 30 years, the place where I could move forward in my life and give myself a break.

Even though I might not be writing much, (unless some miracle happens) I'll still be reading and learning, maybe even commenting once in a while.  Looks like I'll be coming to Chicago in August as well.  Anyone up for a Second City show while we're there?  I don't know about you, but I could use a good laugh these days.

Digging my Way Out

It's been a year, well almost.  Eleven months to be exact.  I have to find a way to start digging myself out of this hole I'm in.  This is not healthy for me.  I've written his amom a letter.  I think it's a good one.  I'm almost done with the blog that I've been saying for months that I'm creating for him.  The next steps will be the hardest.  They could be the last steps I take on this journey for a very long time, or they could finally open a door.  The former is scarier to me.  Where do I go if/when this turns out to be a dead end road?  The only choice left to me will be to erase him from my life for a while.  Remove pictures of him from my computer, exercise self-discipline and stop checking his Facebook "just to see."  I have to try to get back to that place I lived for so many years before I found out who he was, the place where he popped into my head every day, but I no longer cried, no longer felt pierced by the pain of it all.  The place where I learned to live with it all.

I still have a little hope left.  I'm hoping that his amom responds to my letter,  I hope she sees the gratitude I have for her offer of their information, the gratitude I have that my son looks happy and loved and that she is responsible for that.  I hope that my son will get some of the things he needs from this blog.  He'll see pictures of people he looks like, learn of his heritage, gain some medical information, maybe see some videos.  Maybe this will peak his interest a little.  If not, maybe it'll answer some questions for him without the pressure of having to meet me.  I guess that's a gift I can give him.

I think 2012 is going to be a pivotal year for me.  I had a lot of crap that got cleared up in 2011.  I still have some crap left to clear up, but overall I feel like there are a lot of monkeys off my back and I'm ready to move forward and start enjoying life again.  It's a choice you make, you know.  Positive, negative.  Half full, half empty.  Hope, no hope.  Push through or quit.  I'm pushing through this to find a good place for myself again.  Hopefully I won't be at the end of this alone.

Happy New Year to you all and may 2012 bring you peace, joy and fulfillment.

Make You Feel My Love

This song just speaks to me.  Actually, it makes me weep sometimes.  It just seems to express what a mother will do for her child.  The two most relevant verses for me are in purple.  Enjoy.


Adele - Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face,
and the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
to make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
and there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
to make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
but I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
no doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
to make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
and on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,
you ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
to make you feel my love

This is gonna be ugly

Okay, it's the holidays.  I own a retail store in a small town in the worst economy in 80 years.  I'm stressed out, and exhausted doesn't even begin to describe how tired I am.  I haven't had a day off for three weeks and I'm tired of hearing about all the crap people are willing to put up with at the malls just to get a "good deal" and all the excuses they give for not shopping in their locally owned stores.  I need a very long vent just on this issue alone, but this blog is about adoption.

I want to remind everyone to count their blessings at this time of year.  There are those of us who have nothing in the reunion area.  If you have contact and it's not what you hoped for, or it's painful and difficult to manage, be grateful for the little that you have.  At this point all I can hope for is that the "fuck you" that might come from my son is handwritten so I can at least see his handwriting, so I can have some part of him that is personal.  None of this is good, none of us get what we want here.  It's the nature of the beast, isn't it?  On that note...something has got to be better than nothing.

That being said, I sincerely hope that you have a great holiday season.  I am grateful to have read your blogs and your advice on mine.  I, daily, learn an immense amount from all of you.  I have eight more work days left in this year, after which I will be taking four full days to sleep.  I will awaken on Jan.5th, 2012 with bag-free eyes and a clear ( although menopause fogged) brain, ready to face the world again.