Sure there were clues that all was not well. Every year on his birthday I was an emotional, blubbering mess. Once or twice a year I'd drink a little too much and become openly despondent over the loss. Somehow I always seemed to rally and put it all back on that safe little shelf that allowed me to march on with my life.
That is, until the day I found out who my son was and saw a picture of him for the first time. I wasn't as surprised by the all the emotion, I expected that finding concrete information on my son would be emotional. It was the depth of the emotion that shocked me. The layers of crap that I thought I had dealt with came flowing back and has spun me topsy turvy. I guess on some level I had dealt with these issues. I dealt with the superficial parts and buried the deep parts. I never really analyzed all the "why's." I'm hoping that writing this blog will help me find some answers.
I think I'm also hoping that writing this blog will help me forgive, myself first, and others who were players in this