Friday, December 30, 2011

Digging my Way Out

It's been a year, well almost.  Eleven months to be exact.  I have to find a way to start digging myself out of this hole I'm in.  This is not healthy for me.  I've written his amom a letter.  I think it's a good one.  I'm almost done with the blog that I've been saying for months that I'm creating for him.  The next steps will be the hardest.  They could be the last steps I take on this journey for a very long time, or they could finally open a door.  The former is scarier to me.  Where do I go if/when this turns out to be a dead end road?  The only choice left to me will be to erase him from my life for a while.  Remove pictures of him from my computer, exercise self-discipline and stop checking his Facebook "just to see."  I have to try to get back to that place I lived for so many years before I found out who he was, the place where he popped into my head every day, but I no longer cried, no longer felt pierced by the pain of it all.  The place where I learned to live with it all.

I still have a little hope left.  I'm hoping that his amom responds to my letter,  I hope she sees the gratitude I have for her offer of their information, the gratitude I have that my son looks happy and loved and that she is responsible for that.  I hope that my son will get some of the things he needs from this blog.  He'll see pictures of people he looks like, learn of his heritage, gain some medical information, maybe see some videos.  Maybe this will peak his interest a little.  If not, maybe it'll answer some questions for him without the pressure of having to meet me.  I guess that's a gift I can give him.

I think 2012 is going to be a pivotal year for me.  I had a lot of crap that got cleared up in 2011.  I still have some crap left to clear up, but overall I feel like there are a lot of monkeys off my back and I'm ready to move forward and start enjoying life again.  It's a choice you make, you know.  Positive, negative.  Half full, half empty.  Hope, no hope.  Push through or quit.  I'm pushing through this to find a good place for myself again.  Hopefully I won't be at the end of this alone.

Happy New Year to you all and may 2012 bring you peace, joy and fulfillment.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Make You Feel My Love

This song just speaks to me.  Actually, it makes me weep sometimes.  It just seems to express what a mother will do for her child.  The two most relevant verses for me are in purple.  Enjoy.

Adele - Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face,
and the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
to make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
and there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
to make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
but I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
no doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
to make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
and on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,
you ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
to make you feel my love

Friday, December 23, 2011

This is gonna be ugly

Okay, it's the holidays.  I own a retail store in a small town in the worst economy in 80 years.  I'm stressed out, and exhausted doesn't even begin to describe how tired I am.  I haven't had a day off for three weeks and I'm tired of hearing about all the crap people are willing to put up with at the malls just to get a "good deal" and all the excuses they give for not shopping in their locally owned stores.  I need a very long vent just on this issue alone, but this blog is about adoption.

I want to remind everyone to count their blessings at this time of year.  There are those of us who have nothing in the reunion area.  If you have contact and it's not what you hoped for, or it's painful and difficult to manage, be grateful for the little that you have.  At this point all I can hope for is that the "fuck you" that might come from my son is handwritten so I can at least see his handwriting, so I can have some part of him that is personal.  None of this is good, none of us get what we want here.  It's the nature of the beast, isn't it?  On that note...something has got to be better than nothing.

That being said, I sincerely hope that you have a great holiday season.  I am grateful to have read your blogs and your advice on mine.  I, daily, learn an immense amount from all of you.  I have eight more work days left in this year, after which I will be taking four full days to sleep.  I will awaken on Jan.5th, 2012 with bag-free eyes and a clear ( although menopause fogged) brain, ready to face the world again.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Coming out

I think we should have a National First Mom Coming Out Day.  All this hiding, lying, covering up is damaging everyone.  It has left us, as first mothers, ashamed, grief stricken, defensive and damaged.  It is unfair to our relinquished children.  In some cases we have rejected them to protect ourselves.  It must feel like we are throwing them under the bus again and again, for what?

What are we so afraid of?  We've already lost the most important, most painful part of us, our children.  Are we afraid of the judgement of others?  The rejection of others?  That we'll lose the love and respect of our friends?  Family?  My friends know all about my son and do their best to understand my loss.  Although through this process they have been concerned about my emotional health, and have asked some very difficult questions, they have never once turned their back on me.  Those are true friends.  The people in my life that may not be able to handle my truth around all of this, are not people that should be in my life in the first place.

From now on, when people ask me how many children I have, I will answer three, a son who is 32, a step daughter who is 27 and a daughter who is 15.  That is my truth, and I will hide from it no longer.  I will find the courage to tell my family how the "shame" of this has made me feel over the last 32 years, and the moment I get his permission, I will post all over the world a picture of my son and proudly proclaim him as part of me.  Any one care to join me?