Friday, December 9, 2011

Coming out

I think we should have a National First Mom Coming Out Day.  All this hiding, lying, covering up is damaging everyone.  It has left us, as first mothers, ashamed, grief stricken, defensive and damaged.  It is unfair to our relinquished children.  In some cases we have rejected them to protect ourselves.  It must feel like we are throwing them under the bus again and again, for what?

What are we so afraid of?  We've already lost the most important, most painful part of us, our children.  Are we afraid of the judgement of others?  The rejection of others?  That we'll lose the love and respect of our friends?  Family?  My friends know all about my son and do their best to understand my loss.  Although through this process they have been concerned about my emotional health, and have asked some very difficult questions, they have never once turned their back on me.  Those are true friends.  The people in my life that may not be able to handle my truth around all of this, are not people that should be in my life in the first place.

From now on, when people ask me how many children I have, I will answer three, a son who is 32, a step daughter who is 27 and a daughter who is 15.  That is my truth, and I will hide from it no longer.  I will find the courage to tell my family how the "shame" of this has made me feel over the last 32 years, and the moment I get his permission, I will post all over the world a picture of my son and proudly proclaim him as part of me.  Any one care to join me?


  1. This is a great post. We should all come out of our closet, if only to help our children.

  2. Hi. Great post. I'm an adult adoptee, and I believe that one of the main reasons my reunion w/ my birth mom was successful is that she was open with every one in her life about me, before I came back into it. It made it easy for me to step into her life because there was already a place for me.

  3. It was very scary for me to "come out of the adoption closet", but in the end it was very freeing!

    When reading about adult adoptees with mothers who refuse to come out of the closet, I often wish that it was possible for me to talk to them and tell them that it's worth it, that it's easier each time you tell someone your truth.

  4. Telling your truth is very liberating, and I think it's healthy for us, too. I think it helps all Mothers and all adoptees, really. It's a huge and frightening step, but better for us in the end. ;)

  5. I agree with all of you. More and more I've been telling people about my son, and amazingly, I'm still standing! No one has slapped me, screamed at me, denounced me, etc. ~Susie~ I offered to talk to an adoptees first parents who are not acknowledging her existence. I, too, feel like maybe I could help those mothers/parents that can't acknowledge their children by sharing my experience. Just can't imagine denying my son's existence to protect my pride. Wish we could do something to help them.

  6. I am so happy for those of you who've had reunions.. I am also a first mother and after 38 years of tip toeing around the subject, I have started telling close friends. It IS so liberating, since it is a huge part of who I am.

    Unfortunately for me, my first daughter has flatly and cruelly rejected any contact with me. Isnt it ironic that something that is so much a part of me is something she wants nothing to do with. She was not even going to respond to my letter of over a year ago. I sent another around two months ago, since I had no reason to believe that she'd received the first one, and I wanted to let her know that since then I had been diagnosed with breast cancer.
    She detested having to write to me and figured that since she had not responded for over a year, that I would get the message. How cruel is that? What kind of person leaves another clinging to false hope?
    A simple yes or no is much better than not knowing anything.
    Through all this, I've gained the strength to stand in the truth..AND that God doesn't waste pain. There must be a way I can use this pain to help other people. I'll have to figure that out.
    thanks for reading,

  7. H Carol. Thanks for reading my blog. I'm sorry that your daughter has not welcomed contact from you. I'm in the same limbo-land boat as well. I have not heard back from my son regarding the letter I sent him almost a year ago. It's a difficult position to be in. I think sharing our experiences helps us heal and also helps others as well. Do you have a blog?