Friday, December 30, 2011

Digging my Way Out

It's been a year, well almost.  Eleven months to be exact.  I have to find a way to start digging myself out of this hole I'm in.  This is not healthy for me.  I've written his amom a letter.  I think it's a good one.  I'm almost done with the blog that I've been saying for months that I'm creating for him.  The next steps will be the hardest.  They could be the last steps I take on this journey for a very long time, or they could finally open a door.  The former is scarier to me.  Where do I go if/when this turns out to be a dead end road?  The only choice left to me will be to erase him from my life for a while.  Remove pictures of him from my computer, exercise self-discipline and stop checking his Facebook "just to see."  I have to try to get back to that place I lived for so many years before I found out who he was, the place where he popped into my head every day, but I no longer cried, no longer felt pierced by the pain of it all.  The place where I learned to live with it all.

I still have a little hope left.  I'm hoping that his amom responds to my letter,  I hope she sees the gratitude I have for her offer of their information, the gratitude I have that my son looks happy and loved and that she is responsible for that.  I hope that my son will get some of the things he needs from this blog.  He'll see pictures of people he looks like, learn of his heritage, gain some medical information, maybe see some videos.  Maybe this will peak his interest a little.  If not, maybe it'll answer some questions for him without the pressure of having to meet me.  I guess that's a gift I can give him.

I think 2012 is going to be a pivotal year for me.  I had a lot of crap that got cleared up in 2011.  I still have some crap left to clear up, but overall I feel like there are a lot of monkeys off my back and I'm ready to move forward and start enjoying life again.  It's a choice you make, you know.  Positive, negative.  Half full, half empty.  Hope, no hope.  Push through or quit.  I'm pushing through this to find a good place for myself again.  Hopefully I won't be at the end of this alone.

Happy New Year to you all and may 2012 bring you peace, joy and fulfillment.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for putting into words what I can't. You don't know me, but we are taking the same journey. You have lifted me up when I have been at my lowest. Happy New year to you and all the best. I hope that in 2012 you will have all that you wish for.