Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Thinking of Chicago

I know it's a year away, but I'm excited that the next Adoptee Rights Day demonstration will be in Chicago.  It's my home town, we still have a lot of family and friends there and try to go back at least once a year.  I think that it is fitting for me to "come out" so to speak and support adoptees having access to their OBC's in a town where everything about my pregnancy and my son was so secretive. 

So, barring any unforeseen calamities, count me in for Chicago.  Who knows, maybe there will be a very special someone demonstrating with me?  A girl can hope.

I have an idea

So, it's been a long time since I sent the letter of intro and still have heard nothing from my son.  I had an idea and wanted to know what people thought about it before I take the plunge and let him know about it. 

I was thinking that I would set up a private blog just for he and I where I could write about the people he's related to, give him medical info, tell him about myself, ask questions about him and his life.  He would have the choice of just checking in and learning without responding or using the blog to post back and forth.  Basically, I'm trying to give him a way to learn about himself without making the commitment of getting to know me or speaking to me, since he doesn't seem to be chomping at the bit to do that.

Some of my questions are, would this seem too pushy?  I would simply send him a message on Facebook, giving him the address.  It would be up to him to check it on a regular basis.  How much info should I divulge?  I thought I would keep it light at first, this is your sister, this is your grandfather, you look like him, etc.  I'd like to post some questions for him, don't want him to feel pressure to answer them, but also don't want him to think I'm not interested in his life, because I am very interested. 

I've said before that I have a hard time sitting around doing nothing, I guess this is a way for me to do something positive towards a reunion that might never happen.  Maybe he'll get what he wants through this. He'll get to know where he comes from if he wants that info, and not have to have a reunion with me.  Maybe, just maybe, he'll get to know that I'm not a psycho, weirdo, (let's not mention to him that I'm in menopause right now!) and maybe he'll take a step towards me sometime.

Whatcha think?

Saturday, August 20, 2011

I'm Coming Out!

Okay, I was on another natural mom's blog offering whatever support that I could.  All the responses to her were compassionate, except one.  Not a word of compassion offered to her about what she wrote, instead this person decided to slam another responder for offering compassion to this particular person and not offering compassion in other places.  Really?  What's the point of that?

I've been hiding behind a moniker in my responses.  I'm not sure why I decided to use it in the first place.  Maybe a little self protection from possible attacks?  As if the words someone might hurl at me under a different name might feel better than being hurled at me under my own name.

I've noticed over the last few months that I've joined this blog world, that many of the nasty-sayers, drama stirrers, post under "Anonymous."  That's kind of like playing cyber ding-dong ditch, don't ya think?  "Let me go stir things up, insult people, get a public reaction and then I'll go hide behind "Anonymous" when people come back and want to have a real discussion about whatever it was that I was so bent out of shape over."  I don't play that.

So, here I am, Laurie.  Proud enough of what I say, how I feel, and how I treat others that I can attach my real name to it.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Doing the Best With What you Have

It's been a while since I've written anything.  We've had quite a lot of upheaval happening lately, none of it adoption related.  Five years ago we had a very large fire at our house.  We were home and everyone was okay, but we lost 1/2 our house.  We hired a contractor who decided to royally rip us off.  We have never been able to recover financially and this past month have short sold our house and moved into an apartment.  It has been an emotional, humbling experience.  For me it has been a lesson in letting go of the past, accepting where I am and sorting through the things I've had control over and the things I haven't had control over.  I've made some serious mistakes that were compounded by someone else's greed.  I've realized that simply acknowledging my mistakes is not how I will fully learn from them.  I have to actually act differently, make a concerted effort to change my behavior, stand straight and communicate.  I must learn the lesson that sticking my head in the sand gets me nowhere but in deep doggy doo-doo.  I must start at where I'm at now and do the best with what I have to move myself and my family forward.

Is any of this sounding familiar?  These are the same issues I need to deal with regarding the role of adoption in my life.  I can't correct the mistakes I made in the past.  I have to acknowledge that I thought I was making the best decision with the choices I had at the time.  Would I do it over again?  No.  Would I want my daughter to make that same decision?  No.  But I can't change the decision I made then.  I have to do the best with what I have now, which is his name, address and a picture from his Facebook page.  I have hope that one day he'll send an answer to my letter.  In the meantime I can do my best to prepare myself for that day by getting myself as emotionally ready as possible.  I can write and share and learn.  I can make doing the best with what I have now, my mantra.  I can start with what I have, use the things I gain along the way to get me to me dreams.