It's been a while since I've written anything. We've had quite a lot of upheaval happening lately, none of it adoption related. Five years ago we had a very large fire at our house. We were home and everyone was okay, but we lost 1/2 our house. We hired a contractor who decided to royally rip us off. We have never been able to recover financially and this past month have short sold our house and moved into an apartment. It has been an emotional, humbling experience. For me it has been a lesson in letting go of the past, accepting where I am and sorting through the things I've had control over and the things I haven't had control over. I've made some serious mistakes that were compounded by someone else's greed. I've realized that simply acknowledging my mistakes is not how I will fully learn from them. I have to actually act differently, make a concerted effort to change my behavior, stand straight and communicate. I must learn the lesson that sticking my head in the sand gets me nowhere but in deep doggy doo-doo. I must start at where I'm at now and do the best with what I have to move myself and my family forward.
Is any of this sounding familiar? These are the same issues I need to deal with regarding the role of adoption in my life. I can't correct the mistakes I made in the past. I have to acknowledge that I thought I was making the best decision with the choices I had at the time. Would I do it over again? No. Would I want my daughter to make that same decision? No. But I can't change the decision I made then. I have to do the best with what I have now, which is his name, address and a picture from his Facebook page. I have hope that one day he'll send an answer to my letter. In the meantime I can do my best to prepare myself for that day by getting myself as emotionally ready as possible. I can write and share and learn. I can make doing the best with what I have now, my mantra. I can start with what I have, use the things I gain along the way to get me to me dreams.