It's been seven months since I sent the intro letter to my son. I haven't heard anything back from him and my secret fear is that it has a lot to do with the elephant that has been sitting in my room for almost 33 years. That elephant knows way too much of the truth about how I felt about being pregnant. It knows that my loneliness during that time, that I speak of often, was somewhat self imposed. It knows that I was angry, terrified and ashamed every day for nine months. It knows that not only did I not want to be pregnant, I prayed for it all to go away. Guess what? I got that prayer answered, only by the time it was answered, all I wanted to do was keep him.
This elephant has to be addressed, he has had his weight felt in my life for way too long. I feel such shame for how I felt then. It is something I have not been able to forgive myself for. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for it. I understand the logic of how to heal. For example, I know that when you know better, you do better. I know that I was sixteen/seventeen and reacting with a sixteen/seventeen year old brain.
I also know that how I felt then is unforgivable to me and my elephant knows it. He is here to remind me of it whenever I think about hearing from my son. My husband tells me that my son just got married, he has a lot on his plate, he's just not ready, when he's ready, I'll hear from him. My elephant is there to remind me that I don't deserve to hear from him, that those feelings are what my son knows of me and that he wasn't there for the part where I loved him. My elephant knows that I'll never hear from him.
I'm stuck here, with this elephant. Don't know how to get rid of him. Maybe I'll never be able to. Maybe I'll only get rid of him when I can say to my son that I'm sorry that I didn't realize what a gift he was until it was too late. Maybe I'll never get the chance to. In that case, maybe I should rename this blog "Laurie and Her Elephant."
I can only imagine what a weight this is to carry. I hope you are able to find a way to have it lifted, even if only a small piece at a time. I've found writing my blog has certainly had a part in that for myself. More angst out on 'paper', less inside?
ReplyDeleteYes, Haley. This was a very difficult post that took a while to recover from. I kept thinking "why did I write about this?" I don't feel any better, I feel worse!" And then, after about a week of crying, I felt better. It worked! I wasn't completely ecstatic, but I definitely felt some relief. Baby steps. Hope you're doing well.
ReplyDeleteHey, your elephant and my elephant must be siblings or at least read the same books.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I have a child I surrendered for adoption. I contacted her for the first time in the summer of 2010 and since then...nothing. Absolutely nothing.
My elephant keeps telling me the same things - I don't deserve to hear from her and that I will never hear from her. My brain knows otherwise but my heart? I am having a terrible time trying to convince my heart otherwise.