It's been seven months since I sent the intro letter to my son. I haven't heard anything back from him and my secret fear is that it has a lot to do with the elephant that has been sitting in my room for almost 33 years. That elephant knows way too much of the truth about how I felt about being pregnant. It knows that my loneliness during that time, that I speak of often, was somewhat self imposed. It knows that I was angry, terrified and ashamed every day for nine months. It knows that not only did I not want to be pregnant, I prayed for it all to go away. Guess what? I got that prayer answered, only by the time it was answered, all I wanted to do was keep him.
This elephant has to be addressed, he has had his weight felt in my life for way too long. I feel such shame for how I felt then. It is something I have not been able to forgive myself for. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for it. I understand the logic of how to heal. For example, I know that when you know better, you do better. I know that I was sixteen/seventeen and reacting with a sixteen/seventeen year old brain.
I also know that how I felt then is unforgivable to me and my elephant knows it. He is here to remind me of it whenever I think about hearing from my son. My husband tells me that my son just got married, he has a lot on his plate, he's just not ready, when he's ready, I'll hear from him. My elephant is there to remind me that I don't deserve to hear from him, that those feelings are what my son knows of me and that he wasn't there for the part where I loved him. My elephant knows that I'll never hear from him.
I'm stuck here, with this elephant. Don't know how to get rid of him. Maybe I'll never be able to. Maybe I'll only get rid of him when I can say to my son that I'm sorry that I didn't realize what a gift he was until it was too late. Maybe I'll never get the chance to. In that case, maybe I should rename this blog "Laurie and Her Elephant."