Monday, July 4, 2011

In a funk

Happy Fourth of July! bah-humbug I woke up this morning in a serious funk.  Now I know some of this is the fact that I am having some serious menopause related insomnia (oh yes, I caught up on ALL the adoption blogs last night!)  I'm also going through some personal stuff that kinda sucks.  But really, what is making me a not very pleasant person to be around today is the fact that yet another holiday is going to pass without contact from my son.  It's been seven months since I sent the letter and nothing.  Now, I have a theory as to why there is no contact, but I'm saving it for another post. (really not the post to write when I'm already in a funk)  Regardless of my theory, this solo, emotional roller coaster ride sucks.

I'm tired of hoping, wishing, crying, trying to not be too disappointed, trying to talk myself into not giving up hope, trying to keep myself from putting this all back on my safe little shelf and moving on with my life.  I'm tired of putting on the brave face, trying to not talk about it too much, trying to pretend that it doesn't bother me, that I only want "what's best for him", "on his time", "whenever he's ready."  Noooo, what I want (I think) is for him to put me out of my misery.  Stop this waiting game, which is just torturous.  Of course, I'm totally petrified that I'll get a big kiss off and then I'll wish that I was still waiting to hear from him!  UGH!

I want to be be able to say that I have needs here to, and to not feel guilty for acknowledging them.  I put my feelings aside 31 years ago in the "best interest" of him, look where that got me.  I want what I want to be important enough, finally.  I want to get to meet him, hug him, talk to him, apologize to him, share his sister with him, his family, his heritage and I want him to be happy about it. I want to read other people's reunion stories and be really, truly happy for them.  I am really, truly happy for them, I just wish I wasn't so envious.  I don't like feeling that way, it's not my nature, but I can't seem to help it these days.

I guess what I'm really looking for is a way to move forward.  I hate being stuck, I'm always looking out for what's coming next and being in limbo land for this long doesn't sit well with me.

Thanks for listening to me whine, now let's get out there and enjoy some humbug fireworks!

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