For the last six months or so I've been reading a lot of blogs and forums from most sides of the adoption triad. I've learned a lot and have been grateful for the sharing of both the joy and heartbreak that people have put forth. Oddly, the one thing I have been stuck on is the name of the part of the triad I fit into.
Technically, I'm a birthmom. We also call ourselves first moms, bio-moms, natural moms. I keep trying these on for size, trying to see which one best suits me. I think where I'm getting stuck is in the mom part. Yes, I gave birth to him. Yes, I was first in his life. Yes he's mine naturally and yes, he's biologically my son. What I've never gotten to do (and will never get to do) is be his mom.
To me, he's my son. No question that I love him the same way I love his sister who I've had the great blessing of being able to raise. I love him in that innate, soulful way that a mother loves her child. But I've never been able to nurture him, comfort him, tease him, scold him, tickle him or any of the other myriad of things that everyday moms get to do. Even worse, I don't even know him. I don't know what makes him laugh or smile, what makes him angry, what his temperament is, what his favorite food is, what he likes to do for fun, what he likes to do on his birthday, etc. I don't know what he thinks about adoption, about me, about his heritage and his nature. In a nutshell, I don't know ay of the things a mom should know. So, what do I call myself, this non-mom, mom?