His Message

Tuesday night, around midnight, I start my usual routine of getting into bed, firing up my computer, playing a stupid, mindless game on Facebook before I read a little and go to sleep.  I fire up Facebook and notice  I have a message waiting for me.  Not thinking much of it, I click on it and see my sons picture there.  For a split second, I think, "Why did I go directly to my sent messages?  That's odd."  And then I see it.  "Hi Laurie"  HOOLLEEE SHHIIZZLLESS!  Okay, that's not a direct quote, but you get the idea!  I start screaming out for my husband, who is in the other room and go running in just screaming my son's name, grab his hand, drag him into the bedroom and show him the computer.

I really want to share his whole message to me because it is so beautiful and wonderful, but I'll just share the highlights.  He started out by apologizing for taking so long to respond to "the beautiful letter" I had sent last year.  He was waiting to write a letter so that he could "devote the same amount of love, attention, emotion and time that you put in your letter."  He explained that he got engaged, married and finished his MBA in 2011 and time just got away from him.  He also explained that he never checks his Facebook, which is where I've been sending messages after my initial letter, and accidentally came across my messages as he was upgrading the app on his phone.  He saw the blog I made for him and loved it!  He told me he wants to send me a very long letter telling me all the details of his "adventurous life", but in the meantime, he wanted me to know that he had a great and happy life.  He told me that he had always had me in his thoughts and prayers and that he respected the decision I had made 32 years ago and also understood how difficult it must've been for me.  He thanked me again for the letter and the blog and said "Talk to you soon!!!"  Yes, that's right folks, he used three, count them, three exclamation points after that!  Amazing!  My favorite part of the letter was this:  "P.S.  Please tell E_____ I said hello."  Yes, he sent a little, personal hello to my daughter, his sister.

I'm still in the middle of trying to process what this all means.  I have asked my husband to make sure that I don't get myself all worked up into a tizzy of possibilities.  I'm trying to take this as it comes and not try to project too far into the future.  I'm hoping it will help me slow down and enjoy/savor every moment of this, at the same time reducing the amount of expectations I might inadvertently put on our relationship.  That being said, a girl has to dream a little bit.  I'm going to Chicago in August.  He lives in Chicago.  Just sayin'.

Now, back to reality.  I'm waiting for his letter, which will arrive when it arrives.  I feel a great sense of calm about this.  I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of me.  I told my husband that it will be interesting to see what it is like to live without the burden of the loss of him in my life on a daily basis.  I've never lived an adult moment of my life without it.  I'm optimistic right now.  I felt love in his message and he felt and acknowledged my love in the letter I sent and the blog I created.  If that's all I end up getting, that is more than I ever hoped for.