Tonight, I read a friend the letter that I sent to my son eight months ago, expecting to get a great response from her regarding how eloquent, mature and controlled I was. I expected her to praise me for containing my emotions and telling my son that he was loved and that I always wanted what was best for him yada, yada, yada. Instead, I got a reaction from her that completely threw me for a loop. I was chastised for being unfeeling and too mature and strong. She told me that I needed to share my seventeen year old self with my son first, let him share the vulnerability and insecurity that I felt when he was born. Help him understand the circumstances of why I couldn't keep him, so he could have compassion for me, so he can understand why. She told me that I needed to share how I really felt as a scared seventeen year old with no job and no support and no options. UGH! I'm so confused, I can't even write this freakin' post!
What exactly do you say the first time you reach out to someone whose life you unalterably changed? Do I slit myself open for him? It's not something I'm opposed to doing, I've been slit open for years. I'm just not sure it's the place to start. What the hell am I supposed to say to him to get him to listen, to catch his attention, to help him hear me? Which layer do I choose to peel back first? Do I really say to him, before I've ever met him, that I did everything wrong thinking that I was doing the best for him? Do I admit to him that I still feel, at the age of almost fifty, that I was too incompetent at the time to raise him? Do I admit that I devalued my love so much that it made me feel I wasn't worthy of raising him? Do I really say this...?
Here's what I really want to say. There hasn't been a day in 32 years that I haven't thought of you. There hasn't been a moment that I haven't wished I could hug you, touch you, kiss you, mother you. There have been very few moments that I haven't regretted my decision. There is nothing I wouldn't do to change this/make this up to you. Giving you away completely changed my life in a negative way, changed how I felt about myself and the people who I thought loved me, made me feel undeserving of anything good that life had to offer. I can't change this, I can't fix this, I can't make any of this better. I love you, that part is simple and true.
I don't know how to have this conversation. It seems many of us don't know how to have this conversation. Can we as first moms and adult adoptees find a way to guide each other down the yellow brick road? Is there an adoption Oz that can give us a heart to feel love, the courage to express love and a feeling of home with two families?
Help me, I'm so confused.