Sunday, September 18, 2011

So Confused

Tonight, I read a friend the letter that I sent to my son eight months ago, expecting to get a great response from her regarding how eloquent, mature and controlled I was.  I expected her to praise me for containing my emotions and telling my son that he was loved and that I always wanted what was best for him yada, yada, yada.  Instead, I got a reaction from her that completely threw me for a loop.  I was chastised for being unfeeling and too mature and strong.  She told me that I needed to share my seventeen year old self with my son first, let him share the vulnerability and insecurity that I felt when he was born.  Help him understand the circumstances of why I couldn't keep him, so he could have compassion for me, so he can understand why.  She told me that I needed to share how I really felt as a scared seventeen year old with no job and no support and no options.  UGH!  I'm so confused, I can't even write this freakin' post!

What exactly do you say the first time you reach out to someone whose life you unalterably changed?  Do I slit myself open for him?  It's not something I'm opposed to doing, I've been slit open for years.  I'm just not sure it's the place to start.  What the hell am I supposed to say to him to get him to listen, to catch his attention, to help him hear me?  Which layer do I choose to peel back first?  Do I really say to him, before I've ever met him, that I did everything wrong thinking that I was doing the best for him?  Do I admit to him that I still feel, at the age of almost fifty, that I was too incompetent at the time to raise him?  Do I admit that I devalued my love so much that it made me feel I wasn't worthy of raising him?  Do I really say this...?

Here's what I really want to say.  There hasn't been a day in 32 years that I haven't thought of you.  There hasn't been a moment that I haven't wished I could hug you, touch you, kiss you, mother you.  There have been very few moments that I haven't regretted my decision.  There is nothing I wouldn't do to change this/make this up to you.  Giving you away completely changed my life in a negative way, changed how I felt about myself and the people who I thought loved me, made me feel undeserving of anything good that life had to offer.  I can't change this, I can't fix this, I can't make any of this better.  I love you, that part is simple and true.  

I don't know how to have this conversation.  It seems many of us don't know how to have this conversation.  Can we as first moms and adult adoptees find a way to guide each other down the yellow brick road?  Is there an adoption Oz that can give us a heart to feel love, the courage to express love and a feeling of home with two families?

Help me, I'm so confused.


3 comments:

  1. There are so many opposing views on this topic I am convinced one must do what you feel is best for you and be ready to accept the consequences for doing it wrong.

    Mature and strong = can be interpreted as cold and calculating
    Immature and emotional = Needing and annoying and parentyfing the child (making them focused on healing your aching heart)
    blah
    blah
    blah.

    I have heard it all. I can offer that I did a ton of research on this before I made first contact. I mean a ton. Read, asked, talked, etc. and in the end took my own approach which was very true to who I am (on the surface). Somewhat reserved, perhaps a bit to clinical and factual, not very emotional. That is me. I dont think it helped or hurt one bit. I dont think it made a difference at all. Your now adult child will feel what they want, when they want, how they want, based on their life - a life you know nothing about.

    I say "go with your gut". It is your reunion. Your child. The only person that will suffer from your taking the wrong approach - is you or your child. Not the friend, family member or stranger on the Net who told you to do it differently.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "Can we as first moms and adult adoptees find a way to guide each other down the yellow brick road? Is there an adoption Oz that can give us a heart to feel love, the courage to express love and a feeling of home with two families?

    Help me, I'm so confused."

    Yes. Can we?? Is there?? Oh how I wish that the answers were yes. I'm confused too, even though in reunion with my son for more than two years now...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Suz- You're right, I do need to go with my gut. Ordinarily not a problem for me. When it comes to my son however, I over analyze everything. It's making me a little nuts these days :-)

    Susie- I think we are starting to help each other down that yellow brick road. We are learning from each other, supporting each other and paving a way for others behind us as we go. Just wish this road wasn't so bumpy for all of us.

    ReplyDelete