I've been absent from blogging for about a month. Part of it was that I was just really busy with life. The other part is that I'm just depressed and distressed over the lack of communication from my son. The complete lack of response from him in more than nine months is leaving me feeling like a big fat nothing. Non existent in his life, which is the reality he seems to want to stick to. I've seen pictures of him on the internet. He looks happy and healthy. That's what he's supposed to be, right? I gave up my rights to enjoy that with him, right? From everyone else's perspective this has all worked out as planned, right?
Thirty two years later and I'm still shedding tears over this. Is there going to be a time that I will feel like I'm not going to be punished for this decision forever? Is there going to be a time when my friends and family will truly understand what this feels like? When my husband doesn't look at me like I'm turning into a scary stalker instead of a mother desperate for information about her son? Will I ever get to see my two children meet and maybe share a laugh together?
I know in the past I've said we could take it on his terms. It would be helpful if he would tell me what they are. As you might be able to tell from this post, I vacillate between being sad and weepy over this and actually becoming quite a bit pissed off about it as well. This leaving me hanging thing has gotten really old. If you don't want me around, tell me to fuck off. Trust me, there are days (many of them lately) that feeling shattered would feel better than feeling this vulnerable.
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that he's healthy and happy. I'm just ready to stop feeling so insignificant. I mean really, I even enclosed a SASE for him to send back the letter if it wasn't him, or if he didn't want contact. He doesn't even have to walk to the mailbox! He can hand it to the doorman on his way to work and it'll get mailed.
Some people may think I deserve this because of the decision I made not to raise him. I don't. I deserve at least an answer, even if it's "i'm not sure" or "you're the last person I want to know." Being rejected at this point would be easier. At least I'd be worthy of something. At this point, I'm just a big fat nothing, not even worthy of rejection. Sucks.