Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Feeling like nothing

I've been absent from blogging for about a month.  Part of it was that I was just really busy with life.  The other part is that I'm just depressed and distressed over the lack of communication from my son.  The complete lack of response from him in more than nine months is leaving me feeling like a big fat nothing.  Non existent in his life, which is the reality he seems to want to stick to.  I've seen pictures of him on the internet.  He looks happy and healthy.  That's what he's supposed to be, right?  I gave up my rights to enjoy that with him, right?  From everyone else's perspective this has all worked out as planned, right?

Thirty two years later and I'm still shedding tears over this.  Is there going to be a time that I will feel like I'm not going to be punished for this decision forever?  Is there going to be a time when my friends and family will truly understand what this feels like?  When my husband doesn't look at me like I'm turning into a scary stalker instead of a mother desperate for information about her son?  Will I ever get to see my two children meet and maybe share a laugh together?

I know in the past I've said we could take it on his terms.  It would be helpful if he would tell me what they are.  As you might be able to tell from this post, I vacillate between being sad and weepy over this and actually becoming quite a bit pissed off about it as well.  This leaving me hanging thing has gotten really old.  If you don't want me around, tell me to fuck off.  Trust me, there are days (many of them lately) that feeling shattered would feel better than feeling this vulnerable.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that he's healthy and happy.  I'm just ready to stop feeling so insignificant.  I mean really, I even enclosed a SASE for him to send back the letter if it wasn't him, or if he didn't want contact.  He doesn't even have to walk to the mailbox!  He can hand it to the doorman on his way to work and it'll get mailed.

Some people may think I deserve this because of the decision I made not to raise him.  I don't.  I deserve at least an answer, even if it's "i'm not sure" or "you're the last person I want to know."  Being rejected at this point would be easier.  At least I'd be worthy of something.  At this point, I'm just a big fat nothing, not even worthy of rejection.  Sucks.


  1. No ~ you certainly do NOT deserve this! I hope that your son responds to you, I can't imagine waiting this long to hear from him. I wonder if you should reach out to him again?? He might be wanting to finally respond, but worried that it's been too long.

    I truly hope that you will soon know the joy of looking into his eyes, holding him in your arms, and hearing his voice and his laughter.

  2. You do NOT deserve any of this. At the very least he should have let you know he didn't want contact. Even rejection is better than not knowing.

    I'm with Susie. Reach out again. Ask if he got the first letter. Let him know that you don't think he did because he never sent back the SASE if he didn't want contact.

    Hugs. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish it was better for you.

  3. "Being rejected at this point would be easier. At least I'd be worthy of something. At this point, I'm just a big fat nothing, not even worthy of rejection."

    Ouch...you capture how I feel so completely in my non-reunion reunion.

    I wish I had some sage and witty advice for you, bud sadly I don't. What I *can* do is sit here and hold a box of virtual Kleenex for you as you cry and remind you as often as you need to hear it: You do not deserve this. No woman does.


  4. I am so sorry that you haven't heard anything - your post spoke to me as I too am waiting in a limbo of sorts with my son. Waiting for him to make his move so as not to pressure and so on.....If only we were all mind readers....I think Susie may have some good advice. And...you do not deserve to feel insignificant. Hugs to you.


  5. You deserve an answer simply because you are his Mother. I know how you feel, have been there, and it really does suck. Im sorry.

  6. I'm so sorry. As others have said, you don't deserve this and it is so hard not knowing. I think it has to be one of the worst feelings in the world.

    I would go with Susie's advice as well and contact him again just to "check in" and see if he received your first letter. When my son withdrew, I would occasionally send him a quick, simple message just to let him know I was thinking of him and I loved him and he said it made it easier for him to reach out again when he was ready to talk because he knew I hadn't gone anywhere and he hadn't chased me off.

  7. Yeah, about that. I wish I had something to offer. As you know, I dont. Six years sitting in this limbo of a non reunion. I have nothing to offer. Nothing constructive. What I can say is that I have found focusing on other areas of my life to be immensely helpful. I went back to school, got a new job, lost a ton of weight, travel with my husband, and more.

    Dont stop living just because your child acts as if you dont exist. You do.

  8. Thank you all so much for all the support. Overall, I usually do pretty well with this, just some days it really gets you down, kwim? I'm so grateful to have found this community. I have an ever-growing respect for all of you.


  9. I can only say again what the others have offered, it sucks.

    I also have a non-reunion with my son. He has not spoken to me in over 18 months.

    My "mantra" about it that I tell myself, is,
    "IT SIMPLY IS WHAT IT IS" and I can't change it, he has to want it.
    I leave it there, or I try to leave it there.
    It's tough some days. We all need one another. That's what helps me the most.