Well, I meant to post this the day after my last post, which was a bit of a much needed pity party for myself. When I was dancing professionally, I had a rule for myself. I gave myself one day of pity partying after an audition if I didn't get the role I wanted. I would skip ballet class, eat mac and cheese and ice cream, cry, watch stupid tv, sleep and basically give myself permission to mope. Usually, towards the end of the day, I would start to ponder what went wrong at the audition, things I did well, things I could've done better, why they may not have cast me, etc. Next morning I was (usually) ready to hit it again and was regrouped.
Same thing happened here. I was really low the other day, not sure exactly why it came on when it did. Towards the end of the day I started taking advice that I'd heard on here (thank you!) and started configuring a plan of sorts. I'm a planner. I can go with the flow as long as there is a general plan in place to keep me focused. (Actually, now that I think about it, maybe that's why I got so blue. My original plan wasn't working anymore, time to come up with a new one!)
So, I'm going back to the private blog for him and I to share. I'm going to create pages for photos and info on family members, a page for medical info, and a page for my thoughts. I mentioned doing this before, but was really having a hard time coming up with the "right" opening post. I've finally realized that there are no "right" things to say if they don't include my truths around this. Dancing around issues and trying to phrase them in a way that's pc is not my style, so what I was writing just felt contrived and fake.
I've finally come up with a letter that I'm happy with. It speaks to my hopes for him that he's had a great life, but it also addresses my feelings around not having raised him. I addressed the fact that not having raised him made our lives different than what they would've been. No way to know now if it was better or worse, just different than they would have been together. It made me feel good to say that to him. It's my truth around this. I've come to accept that I can only control what I do, not how he reacts. If I have any hope of a relationship with him, acting and speaking in an honest manner has to be where it starts. It's better for him to understand that about me from the beginning. Maybe it'll help him be honest with me as well, even if it's what I consider to be "bad news."